Confession of Sin, and Hope for the Future

I myself am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions.
-- Augusten Burroughs

Yes I missed a day. I'm sure you were sitting there, with nothing else to do, wondering where my post for the day went. Right? I didn't think so.

Anyway, yesterday was frikkin busy. But it was all boring stuff so no need to detail all of that.

I do, however, want to take a brief moment to make a disclaimer about myself.

I read somewhere that Lent is a call to weep for what we could have been and are not.

I talk a good lot of talk about caring for others and being compassionate and forgiving but the reality is, I very often fall short of what I consider good behavior in myself.

Or, in other words, I have had my moments.

I have a very bad Inner Snark that feeds on a constant diet of Schadenfreude, which is an emotion that branches off of envy. I have to fight this all the time.

Because my biggest personal sin is comparing myself to others, and finding myself lacking.

The reality is this: there will always be someone smarter than me, and funnier, prettier, skinnier, sexier, and all the trappings that go with What Society Says We Should Be Good At And/Or Look Like. There will always be someone who will achieve more, who writes more, who dances more, who gets more good things, who has more money.

Once I can truly accept that, I will be free to be something that no one else can possibly be: just me. I am me and I am the only one who can be me.

So instead of worrying about everyone else who's better than me at most things, I should really concentrate on being the best version of myself.

Because of these character flaws I have said and done a lot of things that I'm not proud of. I have learned through painful lessons that you can't take back what comes out of your mouth or when you hit that Enter key. All I can do is apologize but then, still, the scars remain.

I like to think that I'm a good person, overall. But in many ways I'm a huge fuck up. In the past and probably in the future too.

Every day I'm given, though, is a new chance to make things better. I can weep, and begin again.