Notes From the Desert

Once upon a time, there was a young girl who was raised Catholic and loved God with all her heart, with all her mind, and with all her soul.

Then, as often happens to young girls, she grew up. And realized that although the Church had some good things to say, there was a lot of bad things too, especially about girls and their role in the world.

When the girl realized this, her heart was sad but she knew she had to part ways. 

Soon the girl got married and discovered the Episcopal church, and here she felt she had found a home: the liturgy was similar, but the hierarchy was different, and there was more wriggle room to be a flawed human being.

And for many years, the girl was happy. With her life, her career, her husband, her church. She taught Sunday school and Vacation Bible School, volunteered whenever she could, supported the church financially.

But over time, what she thought was a strong foundation in her character, formed by her love of God, began to crumble. 

The greed of the corporate world. The never-ending darkness that seemed to wash a sepia-gray film of misery over the world: genocide, famine, extremism/terrorism, racism, homophobia, voter apathy.

This coupled with the rise of the so-called "Moral Majority" in the 1980s, followed by the Christian Rightwing extremists, with their message of guns, God and glory, left the girl embarrassed to call herself a Christian.

She felt lost and alone. As though she had wasted so much of her spiritual efforts when nothing could be done anyway. The Church no longer seemed to matter.

She left the Church, and started on her own personal journey. In the Bible there are stories of holy men who embarked alone into the wilderness. When they returned, they were changed, they were newly inspired to do their work.

In many ways, I think I am still on my personal desert journey, yearning to come home, but not quite ready yet. It is not desolate, though. There is life here, as there is life even in the harshest places on earth.